When the boogey man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Thanks COMPLETELY to Whitney- OH EM GEE.

---
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.