Dear *Insert Student Loan Company Name*:
Why, oh why, do you think I have money? I selected "income-contingent" because I thought you would realize I don't have a lot of money, but apparently you like getting all theoretical, annualizing money that I don't have, nay, never will have each year as you estimate the "fair" payments I should make each month. Hopefully, my latest letter to you will clear things up. Thank you for your time. And yes, I refuse to be your friend, you lo(a)ner.
P.S.-Somewhere stored away in a closet there is a piece of paper that I paid way too much money for and now I can't make a profit off it. It would've been a good investment had the economy decided to remain healthy. Bummer, just a bummer.